EYE OF THE AGENT
Are you ready to see a Rock-tastic face melting performance?
Then I suggest you iTunes a Kings of Leon video.
Are you ready to watch Scarlet Whisper make a fool of herself?
Then look no further. I am here to amuse you. And make your ears bleed.
You’ve heard Eye of the Tiger. Now listen to EYE OF THE AGENT!
Eye of The Agent Risin’ up, back in the slush, Took my crits and I revised. Went to workshop, and I rewrote this mush Just a hack and her will to survive. So many times, it happened so fast, An auto-reject from Bransford Don’t lose your grip on your work in progress, You must write just keep it alive It’s the eye of the agent, it’s the thrill of the slush Risin’ up to the challenge of the query, And the last known survivor gets a partial request, And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent. Page to page, stuck in the inbox, Hangin’ tough, keep on scribblin’ Full rejections with a scrap of feedback, Help us kill, find the will to revise. It’s the eye of the agent, it’s thrill of the slush, Risin’ up to the challenge of the query, And the last known survivor gets a partial request And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent. Risin’ up, straight to the pile, Killed my gerunds and my adverbs. Got some tension, now I’m not gonna stop, Just hack and her will to survive The eye of the agent…
Still Hungry?
Make like Elvis and grab a hunk o’ Molten Chocolate Lava Cake
Molten Chocolate Lava Cake
2 sticks butter
8 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, or cut up bars
5 large eggs
1/2 cup sugar
Pinch of salt
4 teaspoons flour
8 extra-large paper muffin cups (or use greased ramekins).
Myth Mania
Myth:
1. a traditional or legendary story, usually concerning some being or hero or event, with or without a determinable basis of fact or a natural explanation, esp. one that is concerned with deities or demigods and explains some practice, rite, or phenomenon of nature
New buzz on the Percy Jackson Lightning Thief movie, anyone?
Check out School Library Journal’s inside scoop on the movie companion guide.
2. an imaginary or fictitious thing or person.
Is Scarlet Whisper: Librarian/Rockstar/International Jewel Thief a mythological creature?
Discuss.
3. an unproved or false collective belief.
Check out super ninja agents Brandi Bowles, Emmanuelle Alspaugh, Colleen Lindsay and Jason Allen Ashlock bust myths about queries, agents, and publishing in general. This eight minute clip features their panel discussion from the 2009 Backspace convention. The video is truly worth a look.
Hungry for more?
Try my Italian Cream Cake. Although it’s delish, I don’t recommend trying to sneak it into the Percy Jackson movie.
Italian Cream Cake
1/2 shortening (butter flavor Crisco is best)
1 stick butter
5 eggs
2 cups flour
2 cups sugar
2 cups coconut
1 cup chopped nuts (pecans are great)
1 tsp. vanilla
1 cup butter milk
Cream shortening, butter, and sugar. Add eggs. Beat well. Add buttermilk, soda, flour, coconut, nuts and vanilla. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Makes three 9 inch layers. Cool completely. Frost.
Frosting:
1 stick butter, softened
1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened
1 box powdered sugar (3 3/4 cups)
1 cup chopped nuts (optional, I don’t add them)
1 tsp. vanilla.
Combine until smooth. Frost your cake, then frost your beak.
BINGE!
Literary Mashups: Paul is Undead
Literary mashups are taking over the world.
Mr. Darcy, Vampyre. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.
And now…be still, my heart…the undead hordes have finally(!) smiled upon the GREATEST BAND in the UNIVERSE.
It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.
They’ve been going in and out of style, But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you, the act book you’ve known waited for all these years…
PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION by Alan Goldsher
http://www.ispauldead.com/mediac/450_0/media/GreatHoax.jpg
Oh. Mylanta. My life can now be complete on June 22, 2010.
Why isn’t there a youtube book trailer for this? For the love of McCartney, somebody get on this one, stat!
Although you can’t nab copy of Paul is Undead for awhile, you can read about the brain munching escapades of John, Paul, George, and 7th Level Ninja Lord Ringo Starr here and here.
Hungry for more? Try my Happiness is a Warm Bundt Cake. When the undead come for your brains, lob a few sweet slices their way as a distraction.
2 sticks butter
3/4 cup chocolate syrup
8 (reg. size) Milky Way Bars, cut up (plus two more for later)
2 cups sugar
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
Heat the oven to 325 degrees F. Grease 12-cup Bundt Pan.
In 4-quart microwave-safe bowl, combine butter, syrup, and nougat bars. Heat 5 to 5 1/2 minutes, whisking once. Whisk until smooth. Add sugar, buttermilk, vanilla extract and eggs. Stir in the flour, cocoa, salt and baking soda.
Pour batter into pan. Bake 1 hour 30 to 40 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out almost clean. Cool in pan on wire rack 10 minutes. Loosen cake from pan; invert onto rack to cool.
Melt some more Milky War bars w/ more milk and more butter. Pour goo over warm cake.
BINGE!
Scarlet Whisper’s Publishing Predictions
Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of posts written about the future of publishing. This weekend I also watched The Planet of the Apes and howled at the trailer for the 1980 crap-tastique movie The Apple, a dystopian pastische about the year 1994 (Watch out, this one will burn your eyes out!)
I’m not sure if it was the post-apocalyptic cinema or the glue I was sniffing, but I had an epiphany, a profound vision. Move over Nostradamus, Scarlet Whisper has seven predictions about the death (and resurrection) of print:
1. In 2012 (of course), a Malaysian scientist discovers Bibi, an orangutan capable of writing paranormal romances and techno-thrillers.
2 In 2014, after the Rand Corporation analyzes Bibi’s manuscripts against the slush pile, major publishing houses around the world begin to outsource selected projects to primates.
3. When Oprah’s book club pick, A Million Opposable Thumbs, a poignant memoir written by a red leaf monkey, skyrockets to the top of the NYT bestseller list, publishers begin to bypass agents and work directly with zookeepers in filling their lists.
4. Even as primates take over the industry, Sony capitalizes on the continued rise of e-books. Their banana shaped e-reader dominates the market. Each device comes preloaded with Stephen King’s Cell and Bibi’s first book, A Confederacy of Buttons.
5. In 2016, rabid neo-Luddites hack into Sony’s system and dump a virus into the big banana’s server. The conspiracy backfires when the virus causes banana readers to fall into a catatonic stupor after visually scanning the title page of any e-book. Biblio-zombies outnumber the uninfected within six months.
6. A death blow to publishing is struck when writer Joan Didion’s suffers a fatal heart attack after her book is passed over for the Pulitzer. Bibi’s latest opus steals literature’s top prize. The orangutan’s novel is comprised of one single word typset in Comic Sans: Meep.
6. By the fall of 2017, a ragtag cadre of librarians moves underground and operates small lending institutions. A handful of self-published authors are the only remaining uninfected human writers. These scribblers hide in bunkers and study the simian books. They learn to write.
7. In 2020, Optimus Primate, a silver Gibbon from Brooklyn, deactivates the virus by hurtling his body into Sony’s supercharged mainframe. After the brain numbing banana readers are neutralized, publishing rises from the ashes. Although Optimus Primate’s heroics prove fatal, he is immortalized in an award winning, 666,000 word novel. Written by Scarlet Whisper.
Hungry for More?
Try my moist and delicious Kona Inn Banana Bread.
1 stick real butter
3 bananas, ripe and mashed
2 well beaten eggs
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
New Year’s Re(v)olution
Forget New Year’s resolutions…This year I’m scheming a writers’ revolution.
Scribblers, let’s shake things up out there.
Are you with me?!
If so, grab a megaphone and repeat after me:
“In 2010, my goal is not to get an agent and publish a book. My goal is to grow and learn enough to write a book worthy of esteem, a book worthy of the best agent and the most discerning publisher. I take this oath as a sacred trust, and I shall toil until my manuscript shines like the sun and lays waste to the spurn of rejection.”
Viva La Revolución!
Hungry for more?
Try my homemade Chocolate Lava Sauce. You’ll need more than a few spoonfuls on hand to get through all the pints of Haagen-Dazs you’ll scarf down while hunched over the keyboard this year.
Chocolate Lava Sauce
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter
2 Tbsp. cornstarch
2 Tbsp. cocoa
2 Tbsp. light Karo corn syrup
2 Tbsp. vanilla
1/4 cup cream
Combine all ingredients except vanilla in a medium saucepan. Bring to a gradual boil. Do not scorch, but allow sauce to boil for two minutes. Remove from heat. Add vanilla. Allow to cool slightly.
Binge!
P.S. Congratulations to Jemi Fraser, who won a copy of Gil’s All Fright Diner!
A Query for Cameron Frye
This morning, uberagent @MichaelBourret tweeted it’s “noticeably quiet today.”
Too quiet. It’s time for a snowstorm of query tomfoolery.
It’s time to pull a Cameron Frye.
Remember when Cameron and Ferris skitter downtown in the middle of an Oktoberfest Parade?
“Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today – Cameron Frye, this one’s for you. ”
@MichaelBourret, this one’s for you:
Dear Agent,
Have you ever been injured during a barn raising? Imagine the pain of a 300 hundred pound handcarved loadbearing truss falling on your pelvis. You’ll experience these gut wrenching emotions when you read my 278,00 epic Amish techno-thriller, A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS.
Named after a verboten technology, Samuel Buttons struggles amidst a sea of disapproval to overcome his father’s obsession with apparel fasteners. Does his bearded nemesis, Werner Wunderhosen, want him dead? Or does Werner harbor more sinister desires? Samuel must save his betrothed, Rosebud, from Wunderhosen’s zipperless clutches.
In the end, Buttons must also accept his destiny. He must face down the cotton smocked rabble at the Wunderhosen’s barn raising. With Rosebud at his side, Samuel forces Werner’s hand by revealing his secret machine, a steampunk miracle which pintucks seams where no Button has gone before.
Werner attacks, setting the barn ablaze while Rosebud is inside. Buttons rescues his auburned tressed paramour just before a karmic earthquake shakes a treacherous truss loose. Wunderhosen’s pants are pinned; he cannot escape. The word “Rosebud” passes over his dying lips.
Dear sir or madam, although I know you must recognize A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS as Pulitzer material, I’ve taken precautions to ensure my manuscript is safe from plagiaristic subterfuge. I am sending each chapter of my opus separately via registered mail. The pages are encrypted, of course. A courier will arrive with your decoder ring at 3 p.m. tomorrow. I will entertain offers for representation only until the Ides of March.
Danke Schön,
Scarlet Whisper
How do you like them Buttons?
Hungry for more?
Go order takeout Weinerschitznel, I’m all out of pankuchen recipes today.
Fröhliche Weihnachten!
A Toast to Superheroes and Friends
Erm, I don’t really have anything exciting to share about myself this week.
But, I do have some SPECTACULAR NEWS to share about one of my friends/superheroes/mentors, A. Lee Martinez.
Alex’s bestseller, Gil’s All Fright Diner, is going HOLLYWOOD. Dreamworks has attached director Barry Sonnenfeld and the scribes behind Kung Fu Panda to a movie adaptation of the novel. You can read about it in Variety.
Very cool, indeed, dear ones.
Perhaps you’ve noticed I gush (quite frequently) about DFW Writers’ Workshop. Workshop is a fab organization for writers. Scribblers of all stripes and skill levels meet every Wednesday night. Some of us are newbie novices (me) and some of us are ridiculously talented (um, that would be A. Lee Martinez.)
How many bestselling authors take the time to patiently offer critique and advice to lesser mortals? Alex does. He helps to cultivate our community of writers; he and a cadre of other awesome superfriends contribute to DFWWW in a big way.
As a flunky sidekick in training, I’m honored to be counted among their number.
Congratulations to my superfriend, Alex. His talent and hardwork brought Gil’s to this point. I’d like to think a little karmic payback hasn’t hurt, either.
Here’s a toast to my many superheroes and friends.
Who are you cheering for? Whose advice or guidance has helped you most? Tell me and I’ll pick the most amazing shoutout. I’ll send the winner a copy of Gil’s All Fright Diner. (Hey, I might even be able to grovel enough to get the author to autograph it. ) I’ll announce the winner next week.
Hungry for more? Try my recipe for Peanut Butter Superfudge. I’ve taken this sweet confection and put it on steroids.
Peanut Butter Superfudge
2 cups sugar
1/2 milk
1 1/3 cup peanut butter
1 (reg. size) jar of marshmallow creme
Bring sugar and milk to a boil; boil for 3 minutes. Remove from heat and add peanut butter and marshmallow cream. Pour into buttered 8 inch pan.
Binge!
How to Write a Perfect(ly Dreadful) Query Letter
I’ve added footnotes to this sterling query letter. Enjoy.
(1)Dear Agent:
(2) Are you terrified of death? (3) Imagine a world where sparkling, flesh eating zombies roam freely across the countryside. (4) By reading my novel, you will experience the terror of an undead apocalypse. (5) TWILIGHT HUNGER is wholly original; you’ve never met anyone like Hunter Steele. (6) Hunter’s zombie killing escapades are just the tip of the iceberg. (7) Can he save the voluptuous raven haired Desiree D’Uathata (a fiery tempered fae) from an Islamic terrorist plot?
(8) By now, you must realize you’ve never seen the likes of TWILIGHT HUNGER before. My novel will appeal to anyone who loves good literature, especially men. (9) With over 144 million men in the United States alone, my 287, 000 word epic saga is destined for the bestseller list.
(10) I’ve had my fiction novel professionally edited by my aunt, who proofs the classified ads for our local Penny Saver. (11) My family and friends characterize my story as “unforgettably horrifying” and “strangely amusing.” (12) Although I know you’ll fall in love with my manuscript, I need assurances you will not plagiarize my ideas. (13) To this end, I’ve contacted the copyright office to secure the rights to the novel.
(14) Each chapter of my manuscript is attached to this e-mail as a separate word document. I quit my job this week in order to write a sequel, and I’ll be on vacation until next Thursday. I’ll await your call next Friday at 5:00 p.m. sharp. (15) Let’s make some money together!
(16) Hugs and Kisses,
Scarlet Whisper
(1) Agents appreciate efficiency. Research is tedious and time consuming. Instead of selecting individual agents who might be the best fit, go ahead and toilet paper Manhattan with your query. Don’t personalize queries; everyone knows it’s a waste of time. If “Dear Agent” feels too impersonal, use “To Whom it May Concern” instead.
(2) Always begin your query with a question. Agents love rhetorical hooks, especially ones which raise one’s blood pressure; it builds tension
(3) Show how attuned you are to pop culture by adopting movie trailer narration in your query.
(4) You know how fabulous your novel is; be confident and tell the agent how much they’ll enjoy your story!
(5) You want to entice the agent without giving too much of the plot away. Don’t forget to mention your hard-bodied protagonist!
(6) The use of metaphor marks you as a sophisticated writer. Pepper your query with bold clichés.
(7) Only give the agent a taste of the action in your story; use adjectives and adverbs freely to highlight your plot. Keep the agent guessing what your book is about.
(8) Confidence, confidence. Who wants a milquetoast as a client? Tell the agent how unique and profound your novel is; spare no descriptor!
(9) It’s important to show you’ve done your market research; calculate how many people will buy your masterpiece. By sharing this information up front, you’ve told agent you’re a savvy business person. Include your initial word count, even if you think 287,000 is a little low.
(10) Of course, don’t forget to include the manuscript’s history. The agent will appreciate the expertise of a fellow professional. Also, be sure to clarify that your novel is “fiction.”
(11) Blurbs are a powerful selling point; quote your blood relatives. The agent enjoys reading these objective reviews.
(12) Be careful. Publishing is a cutthroat business. You know your novel is the next Pulitzer. Let the agent see you’re streetwise and prepared for a lawsuit.
(13) I’m sure you’ve heard your novel is granted copyright protection from the moment you wrote it, but it never hurts to go the extra mile. While you’re at it, secure the copyright for the cover artwork your daughter painted. Original black velvet canvases of sparkling zombies are hard to come by.
(14) Attach the full manuscript, regardless of the agent’s submission guidelines. They’ll thank you later. Attaching each chapter separately will make it easier on the agent when you send revisions two days after your original query.
(15) Let your enthusiasm and financial prowess shine through your query letter. In fact, send a box of cigars or a bottle of aftershave along with your submission.
(16) This is the clincher. You’ve been the consummate professional throughout your query. Seal the deal with an intimate greeting. The agent will develop distinct feelings toward you.
Still hungry?
After you’ve sent your query, wait for the stacks of manuscript requests to pile up in your mailbox or e-mail folder. Until then, build a bonfire with the mountain of rejections you’ve accrued. The crackling flames are the perfect compliment to my Indoor Smores.
Indoor Smores
Ingredients
4 cups Gold Grahams cereal
3 tablespoons butter
6 cups mini marshmallows
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1 1/2 cups milk chocolate chips
Spray or butter a 9 by 13 pan. Set aside cereal in a large bowl. In a medium saucepan over low heat, melt butter. Add marshmallows and corn syrup and stir until melted. Stir in chocolate chips until ingredients melt together smoothly. Remove from heat and pour over cereal; stir well to coat. Press into pan. Cool completely before cutting into squares.
Binge!
Scarlet Whisper Pulls a Hermione Granger
Now, I know you’re not going to believe this, but…sometimes I’m a know-it-all pompous buttocks.
Yeah, it’s a stretch to imagine that. Really.
Sometimes, in the face of ridiculous ignorance, I run into a telephone booth, rip off my International Jewel Thief catsuit, don my wizard robes, and emerge as…
Hermione Granger.
I can’t help it. When people spout off hokum, what’s a librarian going to do?
For example, last week, I’m talking to somebody and the subject of magical realism comes up. Somebody mentions somebody else would probably like a certain middle grade magician story because this someone is a fan of “magical realism.”
Ahem. Cough, Cough.
I pull a sorting hat (sans rabbit) out of my…(well, you don’t need a visual, do you?) and suddenly a torrent of Hermione speak is pouring from my lips.
“Well, that’s not really what she meant. Magical realism isn’t really about magic tricks or just stories with magical elements, like…erm, Harry Potter. Think Isabel Allende or Gabriel Garcia Marquez . Magic realism refers to a literary style when ordinary circumstances become transcendent through…”
His eyes glaze over.
“Oh, just go read Love in the Time of Cholera.”
He squints. I cannot tell whether he is angry, resentful, or confused.
“Never mind. Sounds like a great idea.”
He shuffles away, repelled by my high falutin’ airs.
And Hermione evaporates; her spirit banished until feeble-minded assertions summon her again.
Or until someone sends me a forwarded e-mail about Nokia giving away free laptops.
Now if I could just get Hermione to show up when I really need her; like when I’m looking for the right exit for Northpark mall, or I’m trying to learn the rules to @ALeeMartinez ’s new board game.
Dear ones, is it just me? Do you ever get a little overzealous when speaking out? Have you ever been thrown out of Starbucks for chastising the Barista about the origin of “Venti”? (Never mind–Forget I asked).
Still hungry?
If you’re looking for a great article on Magical Realism, check this one out.
If you’re looking for a great recipe for Hermione’s Humble Pie, look no further. It’s easy, and is made from the humblest of ingredients.
Hermione’s Humble Pie
1 9-inch (unbaked) pie shell
3 eggs
2 cups sugar
2 Tbsp. flour
1 cup buttermilk (or 1 cup reg. milk w/ 1 Tbsp. lemon juice added)
1 stick butter, melted
1 tsp. vanilla
nutmeg
Beat the eggs. Add the flour and sugar. Add, buttermilk, melted butter and vanilla. Pour into pie shell and sprinkle with nutmeg. Bake for 10 minutes at 450 degrees. Lower temperature to 350 degrees and bake for forty five more minutes. Cool to taste. Refrigerate leftovers (if there are any).
Binge!
