Archive for January, 2010

Myth:

1. a traditional or legendary story, usually concerning some being or hero or event, with or without a determinable basis of fact or a natural explanation, esp. one that is concerned with deities or demigods and explains some practice, rite, or phenomenon of nature

New buzz on the Percy Jackson Lightning Thief movie, anyone?

Check out School Library Journal’s inside scoop on the movie companion guide.

2. an imaginary or fictitious thing or person.

Is Scarlet Whisper: Librarian/Rockstar/International Jewel Thief a mythological creature?

Discuss.

3. an unproved or false collective belief.

Check out super ninja agents Brandi Bowles, Emmanuelle Alspaugh, Colleen Lindsay and Jason Allen Ashlock bust myths about queries, agents, and publishing in general. This eight minute clip features their panel discussion from the 2009 Backspace convention. The video is truly worth a look.

Hungry for more?

Try my Italian Cream Cake. Although it’s delish, I don’t recommend trying to sneak it into the Percy Jackson movie.

Italian Cream Cake

1/2 shortening (butter flavor Crisco is best)

1 stick butter

5 eggs

2 cups flour

2 cups sugar

2 cups coconut

1 cup chopped nuts (pecans are great)

1 tsp. vanilla

1 cup butter milk

Cream shortening, butter, and sugar. Add eggs. Beat well. Add buttermilk, soda, flour, coconut, nuts and vanilla. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Makes three 9 inch layers. Cool completely. Frost.

Frosting:

1 stick butter, softened

1 (8 oz.) package cream cheese, softened

1 box powdered sugar (3 3/4 cups)

1 cup chopped nuts (optional, I don’t add them)

1 tsp. vanilla.

Combine until smooth. Frost your cake, then frost your beak.

BINGE!

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Literary mashups are taking over the world.

Mr. Darcy, Vampyre. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

And now…be still, my heart…the undead hordes have finally(!) smiled upon the GREATEST BAND in the UNIVERSE.

It was twenty years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.

They’ve been going in and out of style, But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.

So may I introduce to you, the act book you’ve known waited for all these years…

PAUL IS UNDEAD: THE BRITISH ZOMBIE INVASION by Alan Goldsher

Oh. Mylanta. My life can now be complete on June 22, 2010.

Why isn’t there a youtube book trailer for this? For the love of McCartney, somebody get on this one, stat!

Although you can’t nab copy of Paul is Undead for awhile, you can read about the brain munching escapades of John, Paul, George, and 7th Level Ninja Lord Ringo Starr here and here.

Hungry for more? Try my Happiness is a Warm Bundt Cake. When the undead come for your brains, lob a few sweet slices their way as a distraction.

2 sticks butter
3/4 cup chocolate syrup
8 (reg. size) Milky Way Bars, cut up (plus two more for later)
2 cups sugar
1 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 large eggs, lightly beaten
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Heat the oven to 325 degrees F. Grease 12-cup Bundt Pan.

In 4-quart microwave-safe bowl, combine butter, syrup, and nougat bars. Heat 5 to 5 1/2 minutes, whisking once. Whisk until smooth. Add sugar, buttermilk, vanilla extract and eggs. Stir in the flour, cocoa, salt and baking soda.

Pour batter into pan. Bake 1 hour 30 to 40 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out almost clean. Cool in pan on wire rack 10 minutes. Loosen cake from pan; invert onto rack to cool.

Melt some more Milky War bars w/ more milk and more butter. Pour goo over warm cake.

BINGE!

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot of posts written about the future of publishing. This weekend I also watched The Planet of the Apes and howled at the trailer for the 1980 crap-tastique movie The Apple, a dystopian pastische about the year 1994 (Watch out, this one will burn your eyes out!)

I’m not sure if it was the post-apocalyptic cinema or the glue I was sniffing, but I had an epiphany, a profound vision. Move over Nostradamus, Scarlet Whisper has seven predictions about the death (and resurrection) of print:

1. In 2012 (of course), a Malaysian scientist discovers Bibi, an orangutan capable of writing paranormal romances and techno-thrillers.

2  In 2014, after the Rand Corporation analyzes Bibi’s manuscripts against the slush pile, major publishing houses around the world begin to outsource selected projects to primates.

3. When Oprah’s book club pick, A Million Opposable Thumbs, a poignant memoir written by a red leaf monkey, skyrockets to the top of the NYT bestseller list, publishers begin to bypass agents and work directly with zookeepers in filling their lists.

4. Even as primates take over the industry, Sony capitalizes on the continued rise of e-books. Their banana shaped e-reader dominates the market. Each device comes preloaded with Stephen King’s Cell and Bibi’s first book, A Confederacy of Buttons.

5. In 2016, rabid neo-Luddites hack into Sony’s system and dump a virus into the big banana’s server. The conspiracy backfires when the virus causes banana readers to fall into a catatonic stupor after visually scanning the title page of any e-book. Biblio-zombies outnumber the uninfected within six months.

6. A death blow to publishing is struck when writer Joan Didion’s suffers a fatal heart attack after her book is passed over for the Pulitzer.  Bibi’s latest opus steals literature’s top prize.  The orangutan’s novel is comprised of one single word typset in Comic Sans: Meep.

6. By the fall of 2017, a ragtag cadre of librarians moves underground and operates small lending institutions. A handful of self-published authors are the only remaining uninfected human writers. These scribblers hide in bunkers and  study the simian  books. They learn to write.

7. In 2020, Optimus Primate, a silver Gibbon from Brooklyn, deactivates the virus by hurtling his body into Sony’s supercharged mainframe.  After the brain numbing banana readers are neutralized, publishing rises from the ashes. Although Optimus Primate’s heroics prove fatal, he is immortalized in an award winning, 666,000 word novel. Written by Scarlet Whisper.

Hungry for More?

Try my moist and delicious Kona Inn Banana Bread.

1 cup sugar
1 stick real butter
3 bananas, ripe and mashed
2 well beaten eggs
1 1/4 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
Cream together butter and sugar, then add bananas and eggs. Stir in dry ingredients, but don’t overmix. Bake in a greased loaf pan at 350° for 45 minutes.
Binge!

This agreement made this 12th day of Never, in the 50th year of Our Lord Gaiman, by and between the peruser of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE READER) and the architect of the written article (henceforth referred to as THE WRITER).

WITNESSETH: That in consideration of mutual covenants and agreements to be kept and performed on the part of said parties, hereto, respectively as herein stated:

I. Said party of the first part (THE READER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. purchase, borrow, or otherwise legally obtain the written article in a manner demonstrating good faith in the power of a good story.

b. engage in the cerebral and/or emotional pursuit of the written article until such time as the written article ceases to engage THE READER.

c. discard the written article if such article contains more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. In such case, THE READER vows to heap abuse on THE WRITER via Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from expressing an opinion of the written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER if said article induces the sentiment herewith known as “MEH.”

e. make loud and vigorous proclamation regarding the competency of THE WRITER, should the written article prove to be a string of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

II. And Said Party of the Second Part (THE WRITER) covenants and agrees that it shall:

a. with reasonable liberality, endorse the purchase, lending, or otherwise legal means of acquisition of the written article by THE READER.

b. imbue the written article with such engaging features as non-preposterous characters and an actual plot. Additionally, THE WRITER agrees to  saturate said article with satisfactory tension and non-loathsome sentences.

c. set fire to any pre-published, embryonic musings containing more than an average of five metaphorical devices, cliches, and/or adverbs per page. Should THE WRITER allow such musings to be published, THE WRITER agrees to accept THE READER’S abuse via  Amazon and/or Twitter.

d. refrain from impuning THE READER for expressing a non-spectacular or otherwise uncomplimentary review published mechanically or distributed in the digital ether. Subclause: Should THE READER articulate a sentiment worse than “MEH” regarding said written article in the physical presence of THE WRITER, THE WRITER reserves the right to bludgeon THE READER ad mortem with said article, with impunity.

e. reward the loud and vigorous praise of THE READER by continuing to create strings of wondrous, efficient, and/or fearsome words.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE BINDING UPON THE PARTIES, INCLUDING THEIR SUCCESSORS, ASSIGNS, AND PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVES. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL BE ENFORCED UNDER THE LAWS OF THE STATE OF EX LIBRIS.

Signed the day and year first written above.

Signed in the presence of:

Scarlet Whisper

First Party:

Second Party:

Hungry for More?

Try my Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies which are legally certified to be flourless yet delicious.

Flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies

1 cup creamy peanut butter

1 cup brown sugar (dark is yummier)

1 egg

1 tsp. baking soda

1 cup chocolate chips (dark or milk)

Combine all ingredients except chocolate chips until smooth and well blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop rounded teaspoonfuls on cookie sheet. Bake one dozen at a time for 10 minutes at 350 degrees. Cool and serve.

Binge!