Dr. Strangewrite: How I learned to Stop Worrying about the Publishing Process

Hullo there.

Er, sorry for not blogging last week.  I’ve been polishing up my new project. I’d tell you about it, but I’d have to shush you. Permanently.

Anyhoo, let’s see a show of hands. How many of you writers out there have doubts about your writing? How many of you wake up everyday knowing you’re a genius scribbler?

Hmm…

My friends sometimes give me a hard time about this, but I must confess: Aside from Scarlet Whisper, Librarian/Rock Star/International Jewel Thief,  I also have ANOTHER alter ego. Yes, I am the (not so super) hero known as UNCERTAIN GIRL.

Uncertain Girl has one ridiculous ability, the Paralyzing Power of Indecision. Twenty times a day, Uncertain Girl changes how she feels about her own writing. One minute, she’s onto something good. The next, she doubts she can string a first rate sentence together.

Uncertain Girl has never had a day in which she felt totally, completely, utterly brilliant about a WIP.

Is that a bad thing?

According to Nathan Bransford (one of the galaxy’s most kindly and crazy cool agents), it’s okay to be uncertain. Here’s why.

See? I don’t have to think I’m awesome. I just have to be passionate, committed,  and ready to grow as a writer.

I’m happy to be imperfect me. I’m (maybe) good enough. I’m (probably) smart enough. And doggone it, (some) people like me!

I’m enjoying this unpredictable up and down journey. How about you? Please don’t leave me hanging. I’d love to know how you feel about uncertainty.

Hungry for more?

If you’re feeling anxious, try working out your issues by making these Aggression Cookies. Stress was never so yummy!

EYE OF THE AGENT

Are you ready to see a Rock-tastic face melting performance?

Then I suggest you iTunes  a Kings of Leon video.

Are you ready to watch Scarlet Whisper make a fool of herself?

Then look no further. I am here to amuse you. And make your ears bleed.

You’ve heard Eye of the Tiger. Now listen to EYE OF THE AGENT!

Eye of The Agent
 
Risin’ up, back in the slush,
Took my crits and I revised.
Went to workshop, and I rewrote this mush
Just a hack and her will to survive. 

So many times, it happened so fast,
An auto-reject from Bransford
Don’t lose your grip on your work in progress,
You must write just keep it alive 

It’s the eye of the agent, it’s the thrill of the slush
Risin’ up to the challenge of the query,
And the last known survivor gets a partial request,
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent. 

Page to page, stuck in the inbox,
Hangin’ tough, keep on scribblin’
Full rejections with a scrap of feedback,
Help us kill, find the will to revise. 

It’s the eye of the agent, it’s thrill of the slush,
Risin’ up to the challenge of the query,
And the last known survivor gets a partial request
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the agent. 

Risin’ up, straight to the pile,
Killed my gerunds and my adverbs.
Got some tension, now I’m not gonna stop,
Just hack and her will to survive 

The eye of the agent… 

Still Hungry?

Make like Elvis and grab a hunk o’ Molten Chocolate Lava Cake

Molten Chocolate Lava Cake

2 sticks butter

8 ounces semisweet chocolate chips, or cut up  bars

5 large eggs

1/2 cup sugar

Pinch of salt

4 teaspoons flour

8 extra-large paper muffin cups (or use greased ramekins).

Melt butter and chocolate on very low heat; remove from heat. Beat eggs, sugar and salt with a hand mixer in a medium bowl until sugar dissolves. Beat egg mixture into chocolate until smooth. Combine with flour.   Heat oven to 450 degrees. Line a standard-size muffin tin (1/2 cup capacity or use ramekins) with 8 extra-large muffin papers. Spray muffin papers with cooking spray. Divide batter among muffin cups. Bake until cakes puff but center is not set, 8 to 10 minutes. Pull papers away from cakes or lift out cakes before serving.

Binge!

A Query for Cameron Frye

This morning, uberagent @MichaelBourret tweeted it’s “noticeably quiet today.”

Too quiet.  It’s time for a snowstorm of query tomfoolery.

It’s time to pull a Cameron Frye.

Remember when Cameron and Ferris skitter downtown in the middle of an Oktoberfest Parade?

“Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we’d like to play a little tune for you. It’s one of my personal favorites and I’d like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn’t think he’s seen anything good today – Cameron Frye, this one’s for you. ”

@MichaelBourret, this one’s for you:

Dear Agent,

Have you ever been injured during a barn raising? Imagine the pain of a 300 hundred pound handcarved loadbearing truss falling on your pelvis. You’ll experience these gut wrenching emotions when you read my 278,00 epic Amish techno-thriller, A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS.

Named after a verboten technology, Samuel Buttons struggles amidst a sea of disapproval to overcome his father’s obsession with apparel fasteners. Does his bearded nemesis, Werner Wunderhosen, want him dead? Or does Werner harbor more sinister desires? Samuel must save his betrothed, Rosebud, from Wunderhosen’s zipperless clutches.

In the end, Buttons must also accept his destiny. He must face down the cotton smocked rabble at the Wunderhosen’s barn raising. With Rosebud at his side, Samuel forces Werner’s hand by revealing his secret machine, a steampunk miracle which pintucks seams where no Button has gone before.

Werner attacks, setting the barn ablaze while Rosebud is inside. Buttons rescues his auburned tressed paramour just before a karmic earthquake shakes a treacherous truss loose. Wunderhosen’s pants are pinned; he cannot escape. The word “Rosebud” passes over his dying lips.

Dear sir or madam, although I know you must recognize A CONFEDERACY OF BUTTONS as Pulitzer material, I’ve taken precautions to ensure my manuscript is safe from plagiaristic subterfuge. I am sending each chapter of my opus separately via registered mail. The pages are encrypted, of course. A courier will arrive with your decoder ring at 3 p.m. tomorrow. I will entertain offers for representation only until the Ides of March.

Danke Schön,

Scarlet Whisper

How do you like them Buttons?

Hungry for more?

Go order takeout Weinerschitznel, I’m all out of pankuchen recipes today.

Fröhliche Weihnachten!